A Wish That Would Never Happen
March 12, 2014
11:52pm
I told him that I was not feeling okay. He simply replied
with, “Cry it out,” seeming that it’s just that easy for him, and that it is no
big deal. I was secretly hurt.
My heart has been carrying too much weight in it already, of
something explosive. My entire body is trembling at the thought of him leaving.
I am not ready for this. I am not ready for another goodbye.
But even it’s not yet time for him to leave yet, I am
already grieving. Because, even without him saying a word, I know it is going
to be soon. What more when that day already comes. I fear that day.
I used to be excited about tomorrow everytime I sleep. But
not until today. I am afraid to sleep for I do not know if you’re still going
to be there when I wake up tomorrow. Somehow,
I wish the time would freeze at the present time, while we are together. But
that wish would never happen, just like you that would never stay.
Thursday, March 13, 2014 (12:25 AM)
I Hate This Part
March 12, 2014
3:19 pm
I hate myself for being miserable. I hate myself for crying
myself to sleep at night and for waking up in the morning with my eyes still
wet with tears. I hate the thought of you leaving me here, alone and shattered.
I hate the beautiful memories we had with each other. I hate
how I knew I am going to miss you. I hate each thing we did together for I know
I have to do it alone now. I hate how each place we have been to will leave a
trace of you, of us.
I hate how you take care of me. I hate how you protected. I
hate how you were always by my side in everywhere that I go, in everything that
I do. I hate how we pray together at night. I hate how I give you a kiss of
good luck. I hate how we beat each other at Karaoke Hubs. Because I know those
things are not going to happen again. And those beautiful memories are now so
painful to look back to.
I hate how I loved staring at your face. I hate how I loved
your scent. I hate how your hands feel when your fingers were entwined with
mine. I hate how your embrace makes me feel secured. I hate how your kiss gives
butterflies in my tummies.
I hate how I got used into your presence. I hate how I
believed that you are never going to leave. I hate how I believed that you will
always stay by my side. I hate how I believed that I was also a part of your
plans. I hate that I loved everything about you, about us, because now you are
about to leave.
In no time, I will be on my own again. Yet, again.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014 (4:29 PM)
Making Parinig
I find "making parinig" cheap.
Okay, admit that there were times I made parinig, too. Especially when my emotions are heightened up. But I am trying to make it sound like more of a "general post." Not the kind of parinig in which the post is clearly and obviously meant for a specific person.
But yeah, parinig is still parinig regardless of its type. So, I'm guilty. But guys, let's avoid ourselves from doing it. It tells more of what kind of person we are. And most especially, the readers might have bad impression of us, not to the one whom we are making parinig.
It's cheap. And that's all.
Thursday, September 19, 2013 (8:29 PM)
Sister Problems
Have you ever hated a member in your family so much that you want them out of your life?
I know. It sounds mean. I am mean.
I am one evil sister who holds a grudge for her little sister. Bitchy, yes. Errr. It's just that we have a very opposite personality. I abhor her. Especially when she is disrespecting me. I know I am also disrespecting her but, I do not know. And I feel that mom's always in her side whenever we have quarrels. As much as possible, I do not want fights with her and my mom. But, oh please!
I am writing down this feeling of mine of mine because of one thing. I am guilty of what I did during supper. No. It started before our dinner.
I heard mom asking my sister where did she go today. Kaye answered back in a disrespectful way. So I butted in and spanked my sister on her head. I did not know that she secretly hated me for doing that. So during dinner, she was acting very evil towards me making face and everything. My patience run short. I grabbed the fork on my plate and point it towards her while shouting at her. I was really mad. I told her that I am never going to like her. That was the scene where my mom cut off the fight siding with my sister.
I know that what I did was wrong. Very wrong.
But I can't help it. I hate her. And I hate myself for feeling guilty. I hate myself for realizing that what I did was wrong. Afterall, she's still my little sister. And she has done so many good things for me. It's just that we're different from each other. But I love her.
I love her.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013 (11:58 PM)
The Long Wait Is Over
I am very glad to say that I have passed all my subjects this trimester! Not only that, I was able to get high grades. Thank you, God for being oh-so-great! The final list of graduates, will be posted on Tuesday next week. So, I guess it is not yet the right time to give my graduation speech. Ohhh my. I'm so excited!
Sunday, September 15, 2013 (12:12 AM)
In The Dark
I guess I am lost in the middle of nowhere.
A very dark place. An extremely strange feeling.
Uncertainty. Confusion. Despair. Fear.
All of these are slowly crippling me inside.
Sometimes, I think I’m going to lose my mind.
I don’t think I can bare more of these.
I don’t believe I can go any farther.
I have no idea until when I can hold on.
The place is so dark, that I couldn’t see anything.
Not even a single hint of survival.
But I do not know why I am still here.
I do not know why I don’t even dared to run.
I’m just standing still and watch myself die.
Because in this dark place, was once a colorful one.
Full of memories, hopes, joy and love.
I just couldn’t let go of all of those.
I just couldn’t let go…
Monday, January 21, 2013 (3:24 PM)
ICT Road Show 2013! Fashion Show Competition!
What a stressful event it was!
I know that's not what you're expecting to hear from me since my recent posts were telling how excited I was preparing for this event. Sadly, the fashion show did not turn out as I prepare it to be.
I was phoned by JPCS President, Joanne Silva, last night at 11:45pm. Guess what? She had brought me worse than a bad news. Joanne have told me that FEU-EAC was withdrawing from the competition for the reason that no professor would be available to accompany the students in the event. Since we were bringing the name of the school, we were not allowed to go just by ourselves.
My initial reaction was, of course, to cry. Why were they informing us just now when everything was all ready and prepared, including myself? Effort, time and money were already invested upon. Why so late? It's almost midnight and the event would be at 1pm the next day. Were they kidding me?
As much as I wanted to join, I couldn't. I was leading on the online votes which is 30% of the criteria. A lot of people already supported me and wished me luck. I have already bought shoes, clothes and accessories for this freaking event! I have practiced for million times the way I would project and strut down the catwalk! All of them were going to be wasted. But there I was, with nothing to do about it.
I have spent the night just crying until I've told myself that, maybe, this one is not for me. And there are still a lot of opportunities waiting for me out there! I just have to wait in God's perfect timing.
All of these things already sank into my mind the next day. I was okay then, until another call quaked my now peaceful self. Joanne called again, telling me that we're going to push through the competition since she have already found an available professor.
The news was meant to be a good news, but not for me. Hello? It was already 11:00 o'clock in the morning and the event would be at exactly 1:00 in the afternoon! So, were they giving me only two hours to do everything? I am not the famous Wonder Woman, hey!
But, yes. I still went to the event. I was like The Flash. Dressed up, groomed myself up and went straight to the MRT Station in just a blink of an eye! I didn't even had the chance to go to the salon for my hair and make-up as planned originally. Neither had I got the chance to see what I look like in front of the mirror.
And what completed my totally messed-up day was when I was asked/forced to buy a new attire since what I was wearing did not go along with the theme. They said the theme was neon. I was shocked by that because what I received from my e-mail was to wear something techie! No one updated me about the changes! Fudge!
Good thing I have cash with me. Bad thing was that I had to waste another amount of money for this glitched up event! I have already spent so much. But I had no choice! I went to the nearest boutique inside the mall and grab the first neon clothes I saw. I don't care if the clothes look good or if I good look on it. What I only want is for this event to be finished as soonest possible!
When I returned to the venue, the event was already starting. No time for me to practice or to even know where the hell I should step on the stage. And I was second to ramp! Cool, yeah? But of course, I still ramp on the runway. But with a displeasing look on my face. I was only giving my smile every time a photographer was about to take a photo of me.
To sum it all, here are some photos from the event:
Friday, January 18, 2013 (8:02 PM)
First Go-See Experience
Impromptu. That is the word that would best describe today.
I was asked to submit something at finance department which is located in another building which happened to be the building where the Go-See event is being held at. The Go-See was for Intel. And Samsung Ultrabook is the product that will be modeled by the ones who'll get accepted. But, ooops. Before I continue the story, may I explain first what Go-See is all about because I, myself, did not know what was it until I went home and asked Mr. Google.
"A Go-See is simply an appointment arranged by the model or actor/actress (or by the agency). It is an opportunity for the model or actor/actress to interview with clients such as magazine editors, art directors, casting directors, catalogue houses, and the people who make TV commercials and movies." - My Entertainment World
I was walking to the Finance Department when Ms. Kat, an HR officer, grabbed me and introduced me to the head of the event. She asked the head if I could join the screening since, according to her, I have already joined various modeling activities like the Asus Fashion Show.
I was kind of lost at that moment. The last thing I know was that I was filling-out the papers that were needed for the screening. I was the first female model to register so I got "F1" as my auditionee number. Meaning, I will be the first one to be interviewed, too!
I was not nervous until the time that the other models arrived. It's not until then that I have realized that I was only wearing a black polo shirt with green collar which happened to be our college shirt, while all the other models were at their most glamorous attires. I felt so little, more like a personal assistant of the other participants. I wanted to back-out but I had the paper submitted already.
There was no way I can get out of the mess but, instead I just thought of giving my best shot in the screening. And just feel confident about myself. Which of course.. did not happen. But yeah, I tried my best to get my poise and stand with grace. It's when I introduced myself and share my modeling experiences to the judges where I became so messed-up. The words just couldn't get out of my tongue. Hey, I was not prepared. The judges asked if I was nervous, and I didn't hesitate to say yes.
What's worse than auditioning for a modeling event where you when you were just grabbed to register for this without even a chance of changing your clothes or even a minute of preparation? It was all impromptu. I was caught off-guard.
But what was strange was, I still joined. I could have not enter the audition room the last minute, but I still did. Because deep inside, I know that there's a part of me that wanted to grab this opportunity even though I know that there's not a slight chance that I could get in because of all the reasons stated above. But this is what I long for. This is my calling. This is what I dream for. Whatever it takes.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013 (9:10 PM)
A Beautiful Call
I've got a call today from PC Buyer's Guide asking me to represent my school, FEU-EAC, in an intercollegiate fashion show competition for their ICT Roadshow 2013 Kick-off! Just wow! :)
I am so excited for this event. Not to compete, but for the experience. I really love being a model and strut down the catwalk! :)
Tuesday, January 8, 2013 (6:48 PM)
Goodbye 2012, Welcome 2013!
The past year, 2012, is the most difficult year I have ever been in my 21 years of existence. I have been through a lot of trials. I cannot imagine how I get through all of those, but yeah.. I'm still here and most importantly, sane.
I am not sure if the trials I have faced made me a better person. Yes, I have changed. But no one knows if that's for the better.
Of course there are good memories I have to keep from year 2012 but all I want now is to bid goodbye to the most chaotic year of my life.
I am so excited for 2013! May this new year brings me overflowing blessings as opposed to what I have the last year!
Happy New Year! Fighting!
Tuesday, January 1, 2013 (10:05 PM)
Flattered
Ang sarap pumasok araw-araw kung saan lagi nilang pinaparamdam sayo na maganda ka. Internship. :)
Wednesday, November 14, 2012 (8:53 PM)
Mi Ultimo Adios
Noong dumating ka sa buhay ko naramdaman ko yung pinakasagad at pinakamalaking pagmamahal na pwede kong maramdaman sa buhay ko. Sobrang binago mo ang buhay ko. Kaya nung sinabi mo sakin na “di mo naman talaga gustong magkagirlfriend, na di mo naman ‘toh plano at ayaw mo talaga magkagirlfriend” parang paulit ulit akong sinasaksak. Ang sakit malaman na isa lang pala akong “hindi sinasadya sa buhay mo.” Pagkatapos ng limang taon, pagkatapos ng lahat lahat ng pinagsamahan natin, ang sakit sakit marinig ang mga yun mula sayo.
Noong panahon na dumating ka sa buhay ko, di ko rin pnlano. Pero ikaw ang pinakamagandang nangyari sa buhay ko, di ko man ito pnlano. Sa kabila ng lahat ng pinagdaanan natin, kailanman di ako nagsisisi na ikaw ang minahal ko. Ang sakit sakit. Na parang isa lang pala akong malaking pagkakamali sa buhay mo.
Sa loob ng anim na buwan, pinilit ko namang itama ang mga pagkakamali ko. Ginawa ko ang lahat para maging mabuting girlfriend sayo at mapatunayan na kaya kong magbago wag ka lang mawala sakin. Ginawa ko ang lahat.
Pero may mga bagay lang siguro talagang hindi pwedeng ipilit. Kahit ano sigurong gawin ko, wala na rin siguro mangyayari. Parang pinagsisiksikan ko lang yung sarili ko sa taong di naman ako gugustuhiin kahit anong gawin ko. Sinubukan kong lumaban. Dahil di ko kayang mawala ka sa buhay ko. Pero kung ito talaga ang magpapasaya sayo, handa akong isuko ang laban ko para sa laban mo.
Mahal kita. Sundin mo lang ang puso mo. Maraming maraming salamat. Gusto ko ng ibigay sayo kung ano ang magpapasaya sayo, mahal ko. Kung ito man ay ang mawala na talaga ako sa buhay mo, magpaparaya ako. Dahil mahal kita. Ang gusto ko lang maging masaya ka. Pasensya ka na sa lahat ng pangit na idunulot ko sa buhay mo.
Ikaw lang ang buhay ko. Pagpatuloy mo lang yung mga bagay na magpapasaya sayo. Mahal na mahal kita.
Saturday, November 3, 2012 (9:28 PM)
Devastating Monday
While others are having a splendid start of the week, here we are devastated and bummed-out after being robbed along Ali Mall. Gerome was in shock after realizing that his iPod Touch 4th Generation was no longer playing a music. What surprised him more was when the gadget was nowhere to be found in his side pocket anymore. The only thing that was left was his Beats Earphones. All the blood drained from his face. He can even hardly walk. What an unfortunate day. Distressing and all.
Christmas is really around the corners as the robbers and thieves targets their victims in every street, as well. What a devastating Monday it is!
P.S.
Whoever you are who stole that iTouch, I hope you die. NOW!
Sunday, October 28, 2012 (1:34 PM)
Wala Na Bang Pag-ibig?
I‘m not feeling happy. I feel so unimportant and unloved. Feeling ko hindi niya na talaga ako mahal. Hindi ko na maramdaman. Madalas, sinasawalang bahala niya lang feelings ko. Ni hindi siya marunong magsorry pagnagagawan niya ako ng mali. Ni hindi niya ako nilalambing kapag di ko hinihiling.
Wala na ba? Hanggang dito na nga lang ba? Lahat naman ginawa ko. Lahat naman sinubukan ko. Kahit mahirap. At kahit madalas nasasaktan ako pinipilit kong intindihin. Pero hanggang kelan? Hanggang san ko kaya? Mahal ko siya ng higit pa sa buhay ko at di ko talaga alam kung pano mabuhay ng wala siya. Sinakripisyo ko lahat, makasama ang siya. Wag lang siya mawala. Nagbago ako. Lahat para sa relasyon namin. Lahat para sa kanya. Dahil di ko talaga kayang mawala siya. Ganun siya kahalaga.
Pero anong gagawin ko kung di na niya ako mahal. Tama na siguro yung minsqng nagpakababa ako at nagpakababa wag niya lang ako iwan. Dahil alam ko nung una na nasa akin talaga ang pagkakamali, na ako talaga ang may pagkukulang. Pero ngayon, ginawa ko lahat para mapunan ng lahat bg pagkukulang ko. Minahal ko siya at inintindi ng higit pa sa kaya ko. At kung pipiliin niya paring iwan ako, di ako magiging madamot. Ginawa ko na ang parte ko. Baka siguro di niya na talaga ako mahal. Baka lang ganto talaga.
Masakit isipin. Nakakabaliw. Nakakamatay.
Friday, October 26, 2012 (10:36 PM)
Felt So Special - First Day as Intern
After all the stresses and problems in applying for a job for our internship, it‘s funny that Gerome and I end up in the first company we applied into, the MSI-ECS company located in Bagumbayan Libis.
I have no problem with the company. In fact, they are recognized and ranked 3rd in Top Distributors in the Philippines. Another thing is, the office is not very far away from home and the employees and supervisors are so nice and warm. My only concern is that they do not give allowance for On The Job Trainees or better knowns as OJT. Just like me.
So how‘s my first day?
One word, overwhelming. The people are so welcoming. They are so excited about me being a trainee in the company. Their eyes are on me, and keep giving me compliments. It‘s been a long time ago since I last felt that I‘m so appreciated and beautiful. Some of the supervisors are even requesting Miss Kat to assign me in their team. But Miss Kat won‘t allow them since she had already talked to the supervisor where she wants me to be trained.
I‘m so flattered and all.
Monday, October 22, 2012 (7:03 PM)
Mahal Mo Pa Kaya Talaga Ako?
Lahat ng pagpapasensya ginagawa ko, lahat ng pag-uunawa at pagpapakumbaba.. kasi mahal kita.
Madalas, tinatanong ko sarili ko, "Mahal mo pa kaya talaga ako?" Pakiramdam ko kasi, hindi na. O baka naman nasanay lang ako sa pagmamahal na pinaramdam mo sakin dati. Yung gagawin mo ang lahat para sakin, gagawa ka ng paraan para makita ako at yung takot kang mawala ako. Ni hindi na nga yata ako importante sayo.
Ngayon kasi parang masaya ka naman na nasayo ako. Pero okay lang din sayo kahit mawala ako. Masakit. Dahil ako, di kita kayang bitawan ng basta-basta nalang. Kahit gaano pa kalaki yung away, ipaglalaban ko kung ano man yung meron tayo.
Pero siguro kapag dumating ulit yung panahon na ayawan mo ulit ako. Hindi na kita pipigilan. Sobrang sakit man. Bibigay ko sayo kung ano ang magpapasaya sayo. Dahil kung magsasama lang tayo pero ako nalang yung kumakapit, dadating at dadating yung araw na pagtuluyan mo akong binitawan, tuluyan nadin akong madudulas.
Pero sa ngayon kakapit lang muna ako. Sa ngayon, mamahalin kita sa paraang alam ko.
Sunday, September 30, 2012 (4:33 AM)
Once Upon A Time
Once upon a time, I was my prince's princess. I was his most precious one. He have treated me like a fragile glass, scared to have even a small scratch. I was always special. I was always the first thing in his life. I was his only one.He have loved me the best way that he could every single day. But one day, the prince got tired of loving her princess..
Once upon a time, I used to become my prince's princess.
Sunday, July 29, 2012 (11:37 PM)
The Day He Almost Left
I knelt down. I cried. I begged. Call me desperate and pathetic if these are the words to describe what I did. I do not care. But I know I did nothing wrong. The only thing I did is to do everything to make him stay.
Days.. No. Months have already passed since that day.
May 14, 2012. But its damage, it is still here. I'd never forget that day. The day when the most important man in my life almost gave up the
first woman he loved. After being together for more than 5 long years, he said he is not YET ready. But what's even worse? Face-to-face, he said he doesn't love me anymore. And he would prefer to die rather than fix the relationship we have.
Upon hearing those words, I just wanted to die
in an instant. My mind can't just digest what I've just heard. It was more painful than being stabbed by a knife several times on my heart. It was the most painful feeling I've ever felt in my entire life. I just wanted to melt. And disappear.. forever.
For five years, we hid our relationship from my parents. I've chose him over the church. We had this hate-love relationship but I fought as hard as I can. I did all the means. I took all the risks. I never gave up.. just like what he just did. That's how much I love him.
We have been together for a very long time. We have started out as high school enemies, then friends and then young sweet hearts then couples who dreamt to be together for the rest of our lives. We have made our plans and built our dreams together. Our wedding date, honeymoon place, number of children.. these are all set.. we happily prayed for it all. And in just one day, they are all gone.
Pride? I used to have a great amount of that. And look what I am right now? A person who let go of her dignity and pride. I was always the one who he tries to calm. He was always the giving and forgiving one. Suddenly, I was the one who was running after him. Everything turn into its reverse. I didn't even see it coming.
I got down on my knees in front of him. I was crying while begging him to stay. But he is firm with his decision. I can see his strong dislike on his eyes towards me. His eyes were so cold but at the same time flaring, filled with fire of anger. I have never seen him been like that ever before. I have felt so rejected. His stare full of wrath.. so despised. Nothing hurts more than being disliked by the most important man of my life.
Friday, July 20, 2012 (11:28 PM)
These Are Me
Fully occupied blank. That is how I will describe my feelings right now. Oddly, that describes the whole of me. That is me. It is never new to me. This feeling, it has already crippled the whole of my being. Uncertainties. Fears. Regrets. Restlessness. Sorrow. Pain. These are all me.
Labels: sad
Sunday, July 8, 2012 (4:44 PM)
Life Has Been So Much
It has been a very long while. I don't even know where to start the story. The only thing I know is how to end it.The past months, weeks, and days have been cruel to me. But at the same time, an eye-opener series of events. A life changing experience, I may say. Good or bad? That, I do not say.
A lot is new. Countless were forgotten. Many things have changed. So much have already happened. So much that I can't even remember most of the things I used to do and have.. before they have changed.
All the things happened so fast, as if my life was in a race. It left a great damage in my being. A damage I'm afraid can't be healed. A weight I'm going to carry, I guess, for a long time. Life has been, well, so much. So much.
Labels: blue, depress, sad
Wednesday, June 20, 2012 (9:31 PM)
A Letter To The Most Important Person In My Life
Huli na siguro to Gerome. Seryosohin mo man ako o hindi, last na toh. Alam ko hindi mo ako maiintindihan dahil hindi mo naman ako sinusubukang intindihin. Sa lahat ng mga nangyari nung mga nakaraang araw, sinubukan ko lahat isipin.Sa lahat ng mga pagsigaw mo sakin, at mga nasabi mong masasakit.. ramdam na ramdam na ko kung ano lang ako sayo.. Kung mahal mo ako, hindi mo ako basta basta sisigawan lang dahil sa simpleng pagtatampo ko. Masakit pa dun, yung mga sinabi mo..Siguro nga trying hard lang ako sa paningin mo. Siguro nga nagpopost lang ako para Makita ng mga lalaki at pag pyesthan mga pictures. Siguro nga ganun lang ka-cheap ang tingin mo sakin. Pero rerespetuhin ko yan, dahil opinion mo yan.Di ko lang matanggap dahil gaya ng sabi ko sayo, akala ko kasama kita sa pangarap ko. Akala ko ikaw ang number 1 supporter ko. Mali pala ako. Ikaw pa pala ang huhusga sakin ng ganun. Sa totoo lang di ko matanggap na sayo pa mismo ng galing yung mga salitang yun. Sayo pa na, boyfriend ko. Sayo pa na taong pinaka mahal ko sa lahat ng tao sa mundo. Mas minahal ko pa higit sa nanay o kapatid ko. Bakit sayo pa? Pero salamat narin dahil nalaman ko. :’(Sinasadya mo man o hindi, minimean mo man o hindi.. sinabi mo parin.. wala na ako dun kung dahil lang galit ka kaya mo nasabi yun. Ang point ko, nasabi mo parin sakin yun.. Kahit anong gawin ko.. di ko makalimutan. Di ko matanggap.Pero dahil dun, naiintindihan ko na ngayon kung bakit ganto tayo. Kung saan ang pwesto ko sa puso mo. Hindi mo masasabi yung mga yun kung sobra sobrang takot kang masaktan ako dahil mahal mo ko. Tama ka, di ko naman kailangan ikumpara ako.. Kasi unang una, may pwesto ba talaga ako? Nagpapasalamat parin ako na nakilala kita. Marami rin akong natutunan mula sayo. Marami rin akong na experience kasama ka. Marami rin naman tayong magandang ala-ala kahit papaano. Mamimiss ko yung mga jokes mo na out of the blue. Mamimiss ko yung pakikinig mo sakin sa mga mahahaba kong kwento. Sa pakikinig mo sakin sa mga kinaiinisan kong tao. Sa mga pagpapatawa mo sakin. Mamimiss ko lahat yun. Mamimiss kita.Nagpapasalamat din ako sa pamilya mo, dahil kahit papano tinanggap nila ko. Sa mommy mo, sa ate mo, kay iyad, sa mga pinsan mo, sa lolo mo. Pasensya ka na dahil lagi nalang ako nagtatampo sa maliit na bagay. Wala ng magtatampo sayo. Wala ng magbabawal sayo. Wala ng mago-oras sayo. Wala ng magseselos. Wala ng magmumura. Wala ng paulit ulit.Minahal kita higit pa sa kahit kanino. Marami pa akong gustong sabihin pero it nalang.. Sorry. Salamat.Tama sila, walang pang habang buhay. Lahat tayo mamatay din. Lahat ng bagay, natatapos. Lahat may expiration date. Ito na siguro yun. Labels: broken
Tuesday, March 27, 2012 (1:37 AM)
Terribly Hurt
Tears just cam falling down my cheeks. No words can ever describe how badly hurt I am right now. I want to escape in this cage of sorrow. I have been here for such a long time now. I did not expect that I would come into this situation. Never in my life, I've ever felt so restless.
I want to shout and let it all out. I want to run and run in an endless track. I don't want to speak. I don't want to think. I don't wanna hear. I don't wanna see. All I want is to cry. And cry. But these things aren't enough to lighten what I am feeling inside.
All the things are buried down deep in here. It's getting deeper each moment. And as it's getting deeper, the pain is becoming more intolerable. A feeling you wouldn't wanna feel in your entire life.
Even the closest to your heart wouldn't totally understand. Yes, they may get your point. but they will never feel how torturing the feeling is. It's driving me insane. That feeling, it can kill.
Labels: broken
Emotionally Devastated
I've been carrying this deep bitterness inside me for quite a long time now. I can't even remember when it all started. What I only know is that it is damaging the whole of my being day by day. It had already destroyed my emotional stability until I knew it. I am emotionally devastated.
The feeling constantly bugging my senses. I just can't help it. Every so often, I lose control of my temper. I shout. I yell. I throw painful words, I myself wouldn't want to hear from someone. There are times that I thought like I'm going to lose my sanity. Times that I think I need to seek for a professional help.
I can't tolerate it anymore. It's not healthy. It's not.
Labels: broken, sad
Thursday, March 22, 2012 (11:08 PM)
Feeling FEU Main Student
Finally, I get to wear na my sister's uniform! Hahaha! Dati ko pa toh pinagdidiskitahan eh. Dati thought of transferring pa sa main just because of the school uniform. Eh kasi naman, ayoko talaga ng pants/slacks or whatever you call sa pangit na uniform namin. Parang walang dating? Or basta. Hindi ko talaga trip.. haha. Pero honestly, feeling ko kasi lalaki ako when I'm wearing it and ayoko kasi ng mga ganung cut ng pants kasi lalong nakikita na maliit pwet ko. haha! :)) Eh, pag skirt.. girl na girl. Bonus nalang na nakakachubby effect sa may bandang pwet. haha. :))
PS. I look so haggard here. :|
Labels: happy, skirt, uniform
Wednesday, February 8, 2012 (1:29 PM)
What The!
Ang di ko maintindihan, makikipagbati ka rin pala tapos ang dami mo pang sinasabi muna. Talo mo pa ang babae. Kung ano ano munang mga offensive na words ang sasabihin mo tapos in the end you'll say sorry. The hell. Just wait til I run out of patience. Just wait.
Labels: broken, mad, sad
Tuesday, February 7, 2012 (3:23 PM)
Best Divert-er Ever!
"Maghanap ka ng ibang lalaki mo."
Ang galing niya talaga magdivert ng topic. Grabe. Bilib na ko. Alam niyo yung gigil na gigil na gigil ako ngayon. Sarap manapak. Promise!
Nagselos kasi ako sa isa sa mga kaklase namin. Then, I told him that. And syempre patampo effect. Tapos grabe. Bumaliktad ang lahat. Ako na yung nagseselos, ako pa yung nasabihang maghanap ng ibang lalaki na di pagseselosan? Wow. I salute you Gerome Christian Sarceda Rosales! Ikaw na ikaw na ikaw na ikaw na talaga!
Puro nalang sama ng loob binibigay mo sakin. Di ko alam. Ang tanga tanga ko. Di ko alam bat nananatili parin ako sayo. Swear, di ko talaga alam. Because of love? I doubt. Taena lang.
Labels: broken
Feeling Nail Artist
Oh yeah, bought new set of nail polish. And experimented with my nails. :)) And because I'm currently obsessed with leopard and zebra prints, I designed my nails with one of which. And I'm so happy about the result. Yeah, I know it isn't that clean and perfect but isn't it adorable? Love it!
Labels: leopard, nails
Sunday, February 5, 2012 (12:20 PM)
Kissed And Made Up
After the call from yesterday, I decided to talk to him face-to-face. We discussed our relationship's issue, including what happened yesterday. We can't find a solution just yet. But, our relationship's status is now back to normal.
Good luck to us for the days to come. Another unresolved issues left unsolved.
Sunday, January 29, 2012 (1:25 PM)
Mommy's Little Baby
Six days had already passed since I call for a breakup. Well, it can't really be considered as breakup. It's more on giving a space to each other. I had asked him for a week without each other. No text. No call. No talk. I'm just tired of the misunderstandings, fights and all that. I thought that through this action, we will be able to get a lesson and learn from it.
I guess I was wrong. It's like that I am the only one who learned a lesson in a situation that is completely different from what I originally planned in my private fantasy world, my mind. Not everything flowed with the story line I had created. Boo on me to that. Fail.
He barely attended his classes during our relationship's off. He had missed many of our assignments, seatworks and even quizzes. I know these are part of the story he made in his mind, too. And like what happened to my own story, I won't follow his intended story line as well. I did not call him to attend our classes. My mind had battled with my heart. Fortunately, my mind won.
But sad to say, that triumph didn't last long. His mom phoned me just today. She told me everything that's going on with his son. That his son cried at her and that they chatted all night. That he doesn't want to go to school anymore. That he is begging her to get him. He wants to follow her in Qatar. And so on. Honestly, the call shocked me.
I didn't expect it was coming. I thought I had clearly explained everything to him. That I will not be taken away by anyone. That I just need space and peace of mind. That everything will be okay after a week. And that, we'll be together again after a week. He even agreed with me. And now, what is the meaning of this?
Because of what he did, I think he is still not ready for a relationship yet, the mature one. Look, he's still his mom's little boy! It's my first time to encounter a situation like this. Even my friend's boyfriend wouldn't do what he did. He is such his mother's baby boy blue. It is so much for me. I can't even digest what happened. Come on.
Act as a man. Not a little boy.
Labels: broken
Saturday, January 28, 2012 (12:29 PM)
Cool Off
I've finally got the courage to say na pahinga muna kami. So yun, hindi man siya pumayag nung una pero naconvince ko rin. Sabi ko sa kanya bigyan niya ko ng one week mag-isa. One week makapag-isip. My reason?
First: Hindi ko maramdaman yung pagiging boyfriend niya sakin. Most of the time, dinedemand ko pa sa kanya yung mga bagay-bagay na dapat na ginagawa niya as a boyfriend. Tapos ang masakit pa dun, rejected pa ko kadalasan. O diba? Great! Mas mabuti pang kumuha nalang ako ng robot, tapos iprogram ko na "Hey, do this for me blablabla." Hindi dapat ganto eh. Ayoko ng dinedemand ko sa kanya yung mga bagay para lang gawin o sabihin niya. Dapat it comes out naturally. Dapat alam niya ang mga dapat at hindi dapat niyang gawin at sabihin. Pero bakit ganto? Oo, sigura nga I'm just not contented.. but that's because he's not giving enough.
Second: It's just that I can't feel the love between us anymore. Yung parang ordinaryong tao nalang kami sa isa't-isa. Nothing special. Nothing sweet. Nothing magical. More on parang everyday "buddy" ko nalang siya. Kasabay kumain, kasama kahit saan. Pero hindi dapat dun magtatapos ang lahat. Hindi porket magkasama kami palagi enough na yun para masabing we're in a relationship. Walang na kaming connection. Wala ng kilig. At ang masama pa dun, puro nalang sama ng loob. Yan, dyan kami magaling.. sa pag-aaway and unresolved issues.
Third: Baka hindi ko na siya mahal? I'm not yet so sure about it. Kaya nga ako nanghingi ng space. To find myself. Para pakiramdaman kung ano na ba talagang status ng heart ko. Kasi, honestly, hindi ko talaga alam. Or I'm afraid, baka alam ko pero ayoko lang buksan ang isip ko sa realidad.
Naguguluhan talaga ako. Sana itong cool off na toh, sana makatulong. Sana makatulong na marealize niya na hindi habang buhay na sa kanya ako para matuto niya akong pahalagahan at lalong para malaman ko kung mahal ko pa nga ba talaga siya.
Labels: broken, cool off, sad
Sunday, January 22, 2012 (11:30 AM)
Full Name : 
